So What's Next?

Every once in a while I get to the point where I think to myself, "Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? Do I really want to take something that I love doing and make it my livelihood? Is the stress of my next paycheck worth it? Do I really want to depend on people liking my cakes enough to make it my 'job,' and risk losing my passion for baking and decorating?"

That's where I'm at today, for some reason. I love making cakes. I love delivering a spectacular cake to a birthday party and seeing the excitement on the birthday boy or girl's face when they see their one-of-a-kind, made specifically for them cake. Nothing compares to the feeling I get from that. BUT.....is it all worth it?

When I'm working on a big cake order it's tough on my family. Luckily the kids think it's cool that their mom can make unique cakes, and they like to watch me work. And, more luck involved here, Ricky understands that I love what I do, is proud of my skills and abilities (to the point of showing off pictures of my cakes to complete strangers) even though they are still very limited, and is willing to help me out with cake construction and delivery when I need him to.

The problem is that, when I have a really big cake order to fill, it's almost like I'm not even here for my family. The kitchen is closed and the kids have to learn to love eating take-out (usually not a problem with most kids, though) and they can't be free to be themselves because I'm afraid that a major race through the house or an intense game of hide and seek will cause a cake disaster. The house isn't comfortable when I'm working. It's not uncommon to see the stove-top, kitchen counters, dining room table and chairs and, occasionally, the living room furniture covered with ingredients and cake decorating supplies. Is that fair to my family? Or is it selfish of me to expect them to deal with the discomfort and inconvenience, sometimes for a week at a time, so that I can make a very small profit on several hours worth of labor? My alternative to inconveniencing my family - and losing precious time with them - is to wait until after the kids have gone to bed before I start working. I work a full time day job, though, and it's hard on me to work until midnight or later, and then start my day over again at 5:30 the next morning.

So now here it is, July 10th, and I have a busy two weeks ahead of me with unique cake orders to fill, and at least one very large and difficult cake to make at the end of August, and I feel like I've lost my motivation. Is it possible to do what I love and still be the wife and mommy that I need to be? That seems to be the question of the day. Today I'm just not feeling it.....but I know that the next time I deliver a cake and hear 'That is the most amazing cake I have ever seen,' it's just going to rekindle the passion that I have for making cakes and it will take months for me to reign it in again. How many things am I willing to miss because a cake needs to be delivered?

I hate feeling this way. Why can't I just have my cake, and eat it too?